depressed

Its official. friday, the last day of my work week of Hell and I"m totally and completely depressed.

I've been calling around to vet clinics in my area to find an orthopedic surgeon to take a look at Lexx. I had convinced myself that things with this dog were going to get better. but they just aren't. His movement is more off, its increasingly bad after a long training session and i watched him eat an entire meal with his leg held up against his stomach today. I've officially had enough.

Kyle shakes his head in dismay. MORE vet bills. MORE time. MORE money that we just don't have at this point. MORE problems. My insurance has already called to inform me that they are dropping my coverage for the second time in a year. now its only 60% instead of the original 80%.

This dog has put me into tears more times than i can count over the last year and I half.

I'm sickened, saddened and frustrated about how many problems i've had. This wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm angry at my breeder. i'm angry at my vet and i'm angry at the world. How can such a beautiful little soul have so many problems. what did he do to deserve this? what did I DO to deserve this?

The heartbreak, fear, saddness, and emotional frustration and turmoil that i've been through over the last 19 months has almost been enough to kill me.

I have also decided that after the new training classes ( that i have already payed for) are over, if i don't see SIGNIFICANT improvement in lexx's obedience, will be the last classes we enroll in. I will officially take my dreams of having a rally and an obedience dog and stack them neatly on a shelf to be forgotten about, beside my dreams of having a show dog, a running partner, a dog that i can take to the barn, and a healthy happy puppy.

Im at the point where i can't even watch other people's videos of their new tricks, their obedience ribbons, or appreciate their accomplishments, it just renders me bitter and resentful and most of all, genuinely sad.

this last year and a half has been a great deal of lowered expectations and regret.


Lexx is my best friend. he has an amazing personality, he loves everyone and everyone loves him. But i didn't need to spend months researching, or spend almost 2 thousand dollars to get a dog that would be my best friend. that little dog sitting at the local humane society could have been my best friend too.

Now, almost another 3 grand down after vet bills, my 5 thousand dollar dog will likely turn out to be nothing but a great pet and a best friend. My friends and neighbours will all be proven right, why would you ever want a doberman... why would you EVER pay that much for a dog... why would you EVER buy from a breeder.....

I spent months force feeding him, stressing and crying every morning because my puppy wouldn't eat breakfast.
I've watched his faulty movement throw him out of contention for the show ring, affect his ability to perform obedience and most of all, watched his every step, on every walk, trying to figure out what could be wrong. Everyone told me i was over reacting, that he'd grown out of it... well he hasn't. its worse. I've spend hundreds of dollars for people to tell me that they have no idea. they are supposed to be experts.

I've watched him convulse, act lost, scream, and become aggressive with Kyle during his seizures. I've watched the vets run test upon test upon test. i have a file 6 inches thick of vet bills. I put medication in his food every morning and he's not even two.

I've become so frustrated training him that its barely even fun anymore. Does he not have a brain? or is he physically INCAPABLE of what i'm asking? He still can't sit straight or properly for god sakes... he's almost two and its not like i haven't tried.

I've struggled with the fact that he's a good deal smaller than i wanted, people call me petty, but YES it bothers me. I wanted a larger, stronger, more imposing dog. Period. He doesn't have the look that i wanted or thought of when i pictured a doberman. He hasn't gained a pound since 8 months, and honestly, after months of complaining, even the VETS are wondering why he's so tiny.

its a good thing that he's got the most friendly, solid, even attitude of any dog i know. atleast he likes to cuddle and is ALWAYS happy to see us. His nubbin wiggles are my favourite thing in the world. none of this meaning that i don't love him to bits and wouldn't do everything and anything for him, of course, i have and i will continue to do so. But he just isn't turning into the dog that i wanted. he's nothing close to what i expected.

TAGGED

6 things that lexx lives for:


1. FRIENDS! Lexx loves friends. by friends i mean...people, children, other dogs.. kitties, squirrels. Anything that moves and might possibly want to scratch him, coo over him or play with him. Every single thing that moves is awesome and wonderful and obviously thinks that nothing would be better than playing with a doberman. Every person on the planet is in desperate need of nubbin wiggles, happy eyes, spins of excitement and dober-leans. EVERYONE.

2..MOM!me. anything to do with me. me coming is awesome, me leaving is horrible. mom mom mom. Every morning when i leave he runs to the door and stares after me until my car has turned the corner of the street, then proceeds to do "mom is GONNNEEE" zoomies and sadly climbs on to the couch to wait patiently until i return ( so kyle tells me). Every day when i return its like he hasn't seen me in years. its the best thing ever. mom is home and its AMAZING!! I can't go into the bathroom, make dinner, or go upstairs without a doberman glued to me, or atleast a STRONG amount of nubbin wiggles when i return.

3.CHUCK IT. Lexx is obsessed with his chuck it toy. bringing it out and you have a bouncing squeaking barking doberman. Its the first toy he ever barked about. he stares at it when its out of his reach. i have an entire post about it. he actually doesn't like to play fetch... he doesn't really understand the game. but his chuck it is awesome.

4..cookies. Lexx has never been a big fan of food. Since i used to have to force him to eat every single meal, i can't really put "food" on the list. But say the word cookie? Cookies means "I've been good!" Cookie means "someone is paying attention to me" cookie means "i have to run through every single trick mom has ever taught me until i do the RIGHT trick and i get the cookie" Please note. I normally don't ask for a trick before he starts through the list.

5. guarding the yard from evil, horrible, terrible CROWS. Lexx, who loves EVERYTHING, HATES crows and LOVES patrolling to ensure that they don't get too cocky or too close to his mother. He will watch them intently, growl at them, alert because of them. He will follow their waddling walk across the yard from inside, jumping from window to window, nubbin and ears at FULL and TOTAL alert.

6. SLEEP. Lexx loves to sleep. he sleeps at least 12 hours a day. given any opportunity when there is no possibility of walks, runs, play, food or mommy time he curls up on "his" couch spot in a variety of interesting and seemingly uncomfortable positions, grumbling and snoring and enjoying full blown puppy dreams of barking and running.

SO there we go. i'm assuming that is what i was supposed to do.. having been tagged by Kim.?

seizure update

this entry is for my OWN records... sorry to everyone else


day: december 6th
time: 6:14 am
length of seizure: around 1.5 minutes
recovery time: 15 minutes pacing, sleep 1 hour. 20 minutes more pacing.
time from last seizure: 3.5 months
current medication level: KBr 2.3ml 1x a day, down from 3, 1.5ml/2x a day about 4 weeks ago


notes: less paddling than normal, more drooling. loss of bowel control after episode. immediate nap in crate right after seizure. took longer than normal to recover. extreme confusion.

vet: call to get therapeutic levels checked. ensure meds haven't fallen below min. range. get shot for emergencies, seizures lasting longer.

training update-december 5th

BIG news. my dog is the most amazing thing in the entire world.

ok. maybe not. but definitely an exciting training session yesterday!

We ran through our normal heeling/attention work. practiced some stands making sure that his front feet didn't move forward. He seemed so happy to SEE me that he was fully attentive and seemed to really ENJOY working.

near the end of our session, i worked on recalls. Nice straight finishes and snappy listening. He was doing so well that i thought... hey! lets try the test that Maylissa was talking about in her blog!

so i set up lexx in a "wait" and walked a straight line in front of him and turned around so that my back was to him. I put myself into a normal recall stance, feet together, standing straight arms at my sides and took a reallllly deep breath ( please note, i was totally expecting a complete failure here).

COME! i say. And what happens? lexx launches himself from a sit, runs straight at me, around my legs and sits in front of me. straight in FRONT of me. looks up and says, mom? cookie? why are you staring at me with big eyes? mom? helloo?

I was so STUNNED. he gets it! he got it? He REALLY got it!!! he ran right around me and SAT in front of me! straight!

i cannot even explain how happy this made me. he got the entire bag of treats and a huge tug session and that was the end of training for that day.

:)

maybe some defensiveness? finally?

Lexx is the friendliest, most mellow, unreactive dog i've ever met.

People can run right up to him, people can walk up the driveway, through the backyard and 90% of the time, he'll just sleep right through it. Hey.. I can even walk right IN to the house without so much as an ear twitch from the sleeping doberball on the couch.

now, don't get me wrong, i LOVE that lexx is friendly. I love that when people like my parents are visiting I can give them a key and they can come and go as they please without any word of complaint from a barking doberman, BUT... I do live on a large property and i would kinda like a dog that would let me know when something is up... or that would defend me if I needed it.

I'd never EVER even consider testing this, other than doing a TT test ( which i'm sure he'd fail due to non reaction) but...

Last night, kyle got home from work around 5:10, and it was dark outside. I heard him put the key in the door, then stop ( probably to pick something up...) and lexx kinda woke up and stretched. When the noise resumed I looked right at lexx and in an anxious voice i asked " lexx, whats that? whats that noise?" not in an excited tone, just an anxious quiet voice.

He went NUTS. He stopped for a second and listened, then erupted into a fit of loud barking and growling and RAN to the door, barking the whole way. As soon as this started I stood up and said Thanks lexx, its ok, its dad. Its alright! and he stopped immediately and resumed normal "happy to see you nubbin wiggly" lexx as kyle came through the door.

interesting...

New Training facility

I finally got the chance to visit that new facility that I've been talking about for the last two weeks. After I found the place I settled into a nice comfy chair to watch the class that they refer to as "Attention 1".

The facility was housed in a refurbished barn, with only one training room that i could see, but it was clean, with a nice grippy rubber floor and ribbons and pictures hung all over the walls.

The class consisted of only 4 dogs and handlers one of which was a golden missing a front leg. She was awesome!

I really liked the attitude of the instructor, not angry, very positive but at the same time willing to demand work out of the dogs AND the handlers. Some of the exercises in the classes lexx already knows, like the down and sit stays and the basic attention, but everything can always use a brushing up and since we haven't been in a formal class in awhile, i think that this level will suit us just fine.

I stayed through the entire class and registered lexx for the next session which starts on January 6th. The prices were reasonable and when the instructor asked me what type of dog I had, she told me that her first competition dog was a dobe. EXCELLENT.

anyways, i'm quite excited. I almost wish that it started next week instead of having to wait all the way until JANUARY!

Training update-december 3 08

I'm working from home again today and after practicing my departmental presentation about 5 times in a row, i decided that i needed a break. What is more perfect than a 10-15 minute indoor training session with lexx?

I cut up treats, broke out his tug, put on a collar and grabbed a leash.

Starting with focus exercises. Lexx has very on and off days with his focus. Looking me straight in the eyes seems to bother him... or make him uncomfortable when he has to do it for long periods of time. Lots of treats don't really seem to help, but at least he's not moving DOWN hill in this respect.

Worked on some heeling, very difficult inside as I only have ONE carpeted room and i means i have to continuously turn in circles. After a little bit of frustration from the wandering, not engaged dog face following me around, he finally clicked in and started to focus. I've decided that im not happy with his heeling position and that he's a bit too far back. Since he backs into his sits a bit anyways, the fact that he's STARTING too far back is definitely NOT helping matters. I worked on really bringing him up farther beside me. He doesn't seem to like this position, but we're working on it.

Sits looked maybe a bit better today? he's definitely getting MORE good sits over time and i actually caught him doing a tuck sit today! wow! a TUCK sit! who knew that was even possible...Ive learned that the more energy and speed that i heel with, the better and straighter his sits seem to be. One thing I will say is that he now SITS everytime i stop while heeling. These sits are by no means straight, or anywhere close to perfect everytime.. but atleast he doesn't just stop and STARE at me, like..what? we've stopped.. so?

His fronts aren't as straight as i'd like either. I've been over exaggerating the treats/hand motion combo to get him to come in close and straight and i REFUSE to acknowledge the front if its even a little bit crooked, much to lexx's dismay.

My biggest concern currently is that lexx doesn't seem to KNOW to correct himself. If his sit isn't straight, i have to lure him into a straight sit before i treat him, he won't do it himself.

I'm visiting the new training facility tonight, no longer sick and i'm QUITE excited about it. I'm hoping that Kyle might even join me, not that he'd take lexx, but it would be nice to have the company. I have NO money to enroll lexx into classes right now. My horse has been suffuring some medical issues, lexx has had a lot of vet bills... and paired with christmas i'm flat out broke. However, i'm SO frustrated with his issues and i'm honestly not having as much fun training lately as i feel like we're not improving as much as i'd like... so... onto the credit card the classes go. I'll figure SOMETHING out.. right?