depressed

Its official. friday, the last day of my work week of Hell and I"m totally and completely depressed.

I've been calling around to vet clinics in my area to find an orthopedic surgeon to take a look at Lexx. I had convinced myself that things with this dog were going to get better. but they just aren't. His movement is more off, its increasingly bad after a long training session and i watched him eat an entire meal with his leg held up against his stomach today. I've officially had enough.

Kyle shakes his head in dismay. MORE vet bills. MORE time. MORE money that we just don't have at this point. MORE problems. My insurance has already called to inform me that they are dropping my coverage for the second time in a year. now its only 60% instead of the original 80%.

This dog has put me into tears more times than i can count over the last year and I half.

I'm sickened, saddened and frustrated about how many problems i've had. This wasn't supposed to be like this. I'm angry at my breeder. i'm angry at my vet and i'm angry at the world. How can such a beautiful little soul have so many problems. what did he do to deserve this? what did I DO to deserve this?

The heartbreak, fear, saddness, and emotional frustration and turmoil that i've been through over the last 19 months has almost been enough to kill me.

I have also decided that after the new training classes ( that i have already payed for) are over, if i don't see SIGNIFICANT improvement in lexx's obedience, will be the last classes we enroll in. I will officially take my dreams of having a rally and an obedience dog and stack them neatly on a shelf to be forgotten about, beside my dreams of having a show dog, a running partner, a dog that i can take to the barn, and a healthy happy puppy.

Im at the point where i can't even watch other people's videos of their new tricks, their obedience ribbons, or appreciate their accomplishments, it just renders me bitter and resentful and most of all, genuinely sad.

this last year and a half has been a great deal of lowered expectations and regret.


Lexx is my best friend. he has an amazing personality, he loves everyone and everyone loves him. But i didn't need to spend months researching, or spend almost 2 thousand dollars to get a dog that would be my best friend. that little dog sitting at the local humane society could have been my best friend too.

Now, almost another 3 grand down after vet bills, my 5 thousand dollar dog will likely turn out to be nothing but a great pet and a best friend. My friends and neighbours will all be proven right, why would you ever want a doberman... why would you EVER pay that much for a dog... why would you EVER buy from a breeder.....

I spent months force feeding him, stressing and crying every morning because my puppy wouldn't eat breakfast.
I've watched his faulty movement throw him out of contention for the show ring, affect his ability to perform obedience and most of all, watched his every step, on every walk, trying to figure out what could be wrong. Everyone told me i was over reacting, that he'd grown out of it... well he hasn't. its worse. I've spend hundreds of dollars for people to tell me that they have no idea. they are supposed to be experts.

I've watched him convulse, act lost, scream, and become aggressive with Kyle during his seizures. I've watched the vets run test upon test upon test. i have a file 6 inches thick of vet bills. I put medication in his food every morning and he's not even two.

I've become so frustrated training him that its barely even fun anymore. Does he not have a brain? or is he physically INCAPABLE of what i'm asking? He still can't sit straight or properly for god sakes... he's almost two and its not like i haven't tried.

I've struggled with the fact that he's a good deal smaller than i wanted, people call me petty, but YES it bothers me. I wanted a larger, stronger, more imposing dog. Period. He doesn't have the look that i wanted or thought of when i pictured a doberman. He hasn't gained a pound since 8 months, and honestly, after months of complaining, even the VETS are wondering why he's so tiny.

its a good thing that he's got the most friendly, solid, even attitude of any dog i know. atleast he likes to cuddle and is ALWAYS happy to see us. His nubbin wiggles are my favourite thing in the world. none of this meaning that i don't love him to bits and wouldn't do everything and anything for him, of course, i have and i will continue to do so. But he just isn't turning into the dog that i wanted. he's nothing close to what i expected.